Editor For Hire

Right now you're probably thinking "Make fun of Alan Keyes? Why bother?" And yet I simply can't resist...

A friend of mine is on every political e-mail list you can possibly imagine, and stays on some of them for the sheer entertainment value; as such, he recently forwarded me a fundraising e-mail he received from Alan Keyes. As a believer in the accuracy of language, I thought it could use a little editing. Keep in mind that, as with all editorial work, these are merely suggestions:


Dear Friend and Fellow American:

First, let me wish you a very Blessed Christmastide, and a Happy New Year.

Intruding on this Holy Season is urgent and vital national business -- citizenship business -- about which I must speak to you. For the sake of our beloved America my ridiculously outsized ego, I am still running for President of the United States just like I have been for twelve wasted, futile years, and I need your prayerful counsel and committed help help in being committed.

This week, the USA Today/Gallup Poll showed me EVEN with Ron Paul and AHEAD of long-running conservatives Duncan Hunter and Tom Tancredo, even though I have only been actively in the race a few weeks being ahead of Tom Tancredo and Duncan Hunter is about as difficult as being more physically attractive than the Elephant Man.

If you know me and share my rock solid defense of true moral and fiscal conservatism Messiah complex, please SELECT HERE NOW to support my campaign delusions of grandeur.

To learn more about me and my campaign for America’s revival, and read about my uncompromising stands on key issues like halting the illegal border invasion ramping up xenophobia, protecting innocent life from conception to natural death birth, defending traditional marriage and the family by throwing my lesbian daughter out of the house, asserting the priority of U.S. national security, sovereignty and prosperity as being a couple spots lower on the list than tax cuts for gazillionaires, and above all putting shoving our Creator God back in secular America’s public square face, SELECT HERE to contribute tithe.

You see, I have decided to enter the presidential fray as THE conservative candidate who can awaken America to the crises we face and the hope we have to victoriously meet those crises indisputable fact that eloquent nutjobs like me are primarily responsible for them. I publicly pledge to lead our people in an American revival regression, supporting subverting and defending despoiling the Declaration of Independence and Constitution of the United States -- the repositories of our God-given rights and liberty.

In these troubled times, America must elect a person of faith and unvarnished truth, who above all will honor God, and by so doing “Honor the Oath” of public office and lead America onto a better path! But until that person enters the race, you’ll just have to settle for me.

SELECT HERE NOW to support my campaign feed my growing mania.

To learn more about me and my campaign for America’s my speaking fee’s revival, and read about gape in open-mouthed disbelief at my uncompromising utterly lunatic stands on key issues SELECT HERE.

I cannot prevail without YOUR active pledge of support, in a “people single-loner-power” effort to bypass the mediocrity and leftism sanity and equanimity being foisted on us by the party bosses and the mainstream media majority of American voters. We MUST revive our nation and do all possible to prevent another American-debasing economy-reviving Clinton administration, or Carter-era malaise respect for human dignity, or worse -- and so I’m asking for YOUR prayers, YOUR best possible financial contribution, YOUR committed pledge to VOTE, AND YOUR best effort to sign up forcibly detain at least FIVE MORE voters lonely nutcases, as well.

Like many Republican voters, I have tried failed to patiently wait and watch coherently think, hoping and praying that a true champion of the Party of Lincoln Buchanan and Reagan Nixon would emerge. You, like I, have seen what has happened instead. These counterfeit “front-running” candidates, who will say anything to dupe the public into voting for them, and are not fit to lead this nation in these trying times, have been pushed relentlessly forward by the country’s “elites” as our only possible choices, while qualified, decent and capable men are discouraged from running and driven from the field, ignored and ridiculed. (I actually kind of agree with this last bit).

I need your financial support TODAY -- even with our late start, our campaign for America’s revival could still qualify for federal matching funds, but I can suckle at the Federal teat I so despise ONLY if you will join our citizen effort and give as generously toward the fully matchable $250 individual donation NOW as you possibly can!

I cannot, I will not sit idly by and listen to the lies take my tranquilizers, while America all interest in my unhinged rantings dies. Nor should you. If you love your nation a good laugh at my expense, please heed this call! American patriot conservatives CAN save America the Republic of Gilead, if only we will act together. Please SELECT HERE and learn what you can do TODAY.

Keeping Faith Losing It,

Alan Keyes